I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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