just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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