Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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