he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
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The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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