Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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