Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
