i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
