You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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