So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
