Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
