i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
