it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize