He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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