next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
