so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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