You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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