Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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