I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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