I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
