Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
