I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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