I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
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Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
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The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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