tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
