I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up under a house in Key West
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