i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
