hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
