Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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