I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
