I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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