my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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