Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
