Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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