haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
