Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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