I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
