Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
