We named our party play list daddy issues
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
