I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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