I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
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I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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