I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
