Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
