Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
