Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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