Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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