There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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