If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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