dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
