I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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