I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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