Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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