how can u be prego again
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
