I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're a waste of cheezeits
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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