wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
