i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
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Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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