great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
