i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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