I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
